Monday, December 21, 2009

the day things will surely change.

This post is awkward because this blog is open and anyone can read it, but ultimately it's still my space so I'm just going to go for it.

In like 20 days the guy I was in love with for about 4 years is getting married. And that's fine - how lovely, wooah, how exciting... and yet, how irritating lol - just because it's him and he would be engaged and married in less than a year and a half of knowing his lady - everything has to be done fast, right away, just the way he wants it. I am genuinely happy for them, I just have so much resentment built up. And I think the situation is so ridiculous. Maybe I'm not spontaneous enough or I think too far in advance but I think I would want a solid future before jumping into life with someone. I feel so frustrated that they aren't well-equipped for life financially, in their careers, in their lives. But then again, that's not for me to determine and I could totally be wrong but it just breaks my heart. Wouldn't it be worth it to wait another year or so, get your stuff together and then you don't bring your burdens or financial troubles into a marriage? Plus I think the root of it all, aside from having liked him for so long, is that I don't like change. And by him being engaged, getting married, it's like proof that everyone is changing, moving along, moving away, and I am too but I'm not doing it with anyone. Single. Reppin'. That's fine and dandy with me - there's no one that I particularly want to fill that void at this time. But his pending marriage just demonstrates how from now on other friends will be meeting their significant others, doing things with their lives, and growing. I'm like Peter Pan - I really don't want to grow up. That's a lie... I totally want to grow up but I don't want anything, any one, any group to change. I love the way life is and when this marriage goes down it will be a pivotal moment in our church group and in some lives too. Things are going to change pretty dramatically after that.

Am I jealous? Hmmm... no. He seems happy, she seems lovely. Plus if that was me with him, I would be drowning. He's waay too overprotective and I like to talk for myself and do things on my own occasionally. I also like to hang out with my friends at times. Just a little smothering. But he's always been like that.

This conversation stems from my recent epiphany that this day - although I'm sure it will be beautiful and fun - is going to be a very sad day. As my housemate stated so perfectly, "better alert the suicide hotline" hahahaa. It's not like THAT. It's just such a defining moment in not only my life but in the lives of some of my closest friends and our "group". *BIG SIGH* I'm so glad to be invited (I would have been crushed had I not been because regardless of any other feelings I still considered him a very close friend for several years there) and I'm excited for the festivities. Just why him? Couldn't it be Dan or someone? Ugh. I can't even align my feelings, they're so scattered. Happy, sad, irritated, discouraged, frustrated, not surprised, excited, hopeful, etc. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 I'm glad he has found happiness and the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I just wish he included the other people that were once important in his life now too. And, even though it doesn't matter what i think at all, I just wish I didn't worry about them.

Lord, please provide them with financial means, the ability to make ends meet and opportunities to be successful and happy and relatively stress-free in their marriage.


  1. you shouldnt post this stuff....its not your place to exploit that couple getting married. im sorry but this is not right. you should let go of whatever jealousy and grudges you might be holding...

  2. you're right. but this was a year ago and i felt differently then than i do now. a lot of healing, learning and acceptance has happened since i wrote this and now i fully support them. they are doing beautiful things.


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