Sunday, March 28, 2010

i got an issh.

a couple weeks ago i was approached by a woman in the meeting place (foyer at school) who invited me to a bible study. i went and it was really nice but it fell on a wednesday - we'll get back to that soon enough. well she then invited to take me to church far far away on the following sunday. i was game, but then as the time neared i kind of panicked because i had two major essays to write and work to go to and classes to attend and just too much going on so i cancelled on her.

i pretty much always work wednesday nights with very few exceptions so i haven't been to bible study since that once time. i told her i wouldn't be able to go very often but she kept telling me about one-on-one bible studys which, to be honest, i'm not that interested in. i'm just not all that comfortable with meeting with her for an hour or so and yes, i love talking and learning about the bible, but i don't know her, she doesn't know me.. and well i'm still learning to trust people who are leaders in the church, missionaries, pastors, priests, etc. i just don't want to one-on-one bible study ok (writing this makes me feel so guilty but i just don't want to!). the point of all this info is that she keeps emailing me asking to meet up. well not really asking, just saying "do you have time to bible study with me? let me know, or we can meet the week after". how do i say i'm not interested? i'm not going to just ignore her messages because i appreciate her reaching out to me, but i don't know what to say.

i think it's moments like this that really show me (1) my dependence on my home church (churches.. perhaps it has taught me the value of the catholic church as well) and my reluctance towards change and (2) still how broken i am from the ridiculous rejection from that church i tried to go to. i'm embarrassed that this situation still bothers me. it's not even so much that i think about it a lot, like when i met this woman i wasn't immediately distrusting of her because of it - it didn't even cross my mind - and it really doesn't play a role in why i don't want to go to the bible study, but i do feel like i have to tread lightly because i don't want to become cynical about people in the church - not everyone is corrupt or misguided. i think that has been a major learning experience and life experience. i think the Lord was really trying to teach me that at snocamp. a lot of the words the speaker spoke had to do with building your own relationship with God as opposed to just taking the words of pastors and youth leaders as your faith. i can't let that pastor that turned me away represent all pastors; i can't allow my perceptions of other leaders to be shaped by him. i believe that his ideas were misguided and exaggerated and taken a little too far (he turned me away because i don't want to yet/i'm not ready to get baptized..). on a more immature note, i don't really even respect him. he approached the whole situation in an absolutely terrible way - trapped me in his office, whipped out the bible and pointed out every verse he could think of telling me that my decision to not be baptized was wrong, that God commanded up to be baptized, that i was being disobedient to the Lord because i'm not ready or where i believe God wants me to be to be baptized!! he didn't even listen to me. you'd think working with youth he'd know a better way to handle things. respect = lost.

the whole summer i prayed and prayed for a church, to find a group to be apart of so i wouldn't always want to go home for church and stuff, and three times i thought i had found that, and well, yes, i made the decision to give up on all of them, but i feel like i failed. did i mess up? should i have stuck with them? what am i looking for and why can i not stop comparing it to emmanuel? emmanuel's great but i have to move on. i can't hang out with kids 4 years younger than me forever because (1) sometimes it's inappropriate and (2) i just need church friends my own age, that's the problem.
i did go to college and careers last week though and it was lovely. i will go back again for sure. see, even that took me two years to do.

well i have had sort of an epiphany writing this. it's not so much that i go home for sunday church times and routines, i go home because who the heck wants to stay in a craphole basement apartment doing nothing but breathing in dust and lying on one's side streaming tv shows on one's computer? that would be my life on the weekend outside of work or any other social activities here in scarbs.

i don't know what i'm looking for. the reason i stopped going to alpha was because i did all the talking. i gave all the answers, no one else talked, so while it may be selfish to have left because i wasn't learning anything new, it was just taking up precious time that i could use to do homework or cook food or whatever else. i decided not to go to that church with nuel anymore just because i couldn't commit to going often and because i started to work on sundays.

the one cool thing that might happen next week though is that my police report is apparently in so maybe next week i will be able to work with urbanpromise. that's the real stuff on my heart. even without alpha, a church here, bible study, etc i do still hang out with God a lot. i know i know i know i have to read the bible more and i want to but i don't (not cool allie), but something i was to do here but can't do at home in the same way is working with kids in government housing through urbanpromise. i love this organization. i fell in love with those kids and i am so excited to go back. hopefully hopefully hopefully i will be able to go back next weekend, pray that the police check is actually final and that the envelope sitting on my desk at home is not just some teaser from the police office.

if i can go back and work with urbanpromise for the remaining month of this school year, then maybe that is God's way of answering my prayer for a church or christian group. when i am around those kids i feel so worshipful and like giving glory to God. only He can give them better lives, show them their own potential, make them successful,bless them with happiness, joy, the ability to resist pressures and all the negative things they must see far too often.

"My girl, she's at a crossroads, people praying for her, some are preying on her magazine ads, sex, drama, Smoking marijuana, longer for a father to call her, 'daughter'. She's part of a generation longing for reconciliation, And this future that they're facing and this poison that they're tasting, My girl, I know this love you're chasing

Faith like a child from your first birth, You left it in the dirt on your worst hurt. And I see each tear and every scar, The hands that have held you where you are. And I can see we've strayed so far, A king born under that morning star, As a crown of thorns was placed to erase each tear that's touched your face And his palms and sides were pierced with spears He hung in love just to draw you near. My girl, out of this whole world can't you see this is where we started?"
- Mat Kearney, "Girl America"

1 comment:

  1. hey allie! I hope urbanpromise works out for you! keep reaching out to God, he will respond sooner or later :)


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