Sunday, March 14, 2010

insecurities.

this week i'm going to begin what needs to be a drastic change.

if i'm being honest, i've been pretty insecure lately. normally i would think i'm a pretty "secure" person - i usually like my body, i have the mindset that i can't complain because i don't choose to work on it so it's my own fault whatever size i am, i know what i'm good at, i know what i want, etc. but recently i have become more self-conscience of the way i look, the size i am, particularly the lovely double chin that shows up at all times (thank you genetics). when i look at myself in the mirror i don't think i'm big. as i said, i sort of like my body. but at work, in pictures, oh boy, i look huge. it doesn't help that i live with two tiny, tiny girls. but straight up, obviously i am built differently than them. i mean, hello, i come from a family of 6 ft tall people on one side; short little, semi-chubs french people on the other. the double chin, as i said, runs in the family. even the smallest can still muster it up. my big round face and chubby cheeks don't make anything look smaller, so in many ways i accept what i look like, most times i like that how i look resembles so many familial traits. but recently a colleague commented on my arms. i have big arms. and not sexy toned big arms, just big. i think for girls it can be really hard to work on the arms and in the past that's not really something i focused on. but when he jokingly called me out on them, it just shattered my perception of them. like hokey-smokes those things are big. it's so powerful the affect of someone else's words on you. i have never cared what anyone thought of me, but comment on my arms, my body, and my self-esteem just drops (as i'm sure is the case with pretty much anyone).

it doesn't help that my favourite big black body builder buddy, okiki, is always "encouraging" me to join his fancy gym (definitely check out his video here. i laugh, but he's adorable). well that won't happen til i'm in tip top shape coz he would probs... not make fun of me, well probably a bit coz we joke all the time, but i would be horrified to be there... with him... training me. i hate gyms. i hate the school gym. i hate the ymca. i hate the rec centre. machines are so blah to me, and i get so easily distracted and i feel like i'm being watched all the time. as my face flushes red due to being out of shape i'm just ready to go. my housemate is going to the gym and she invites me all the time but to walk into a gym is just the scariest idea for me... (wow, stuff's really coming out in this post). so because i hate gyms i need a solution.

in january i started working out several times a week with turbo jam. i have no idea if it actually works for me, but it's fun? and that's waaay more than i can say about going to any gym. i stopped working out because things got busy again, but i want to set myself up to be more fit in life. i will hopefully continue cooking. i am learning to enjoy the idea of cooking - like, oh that sounds fun let's try it - i just need to have patience and be okay with it not always turning out. i also have to devote time to it. that's the hardest part for me.

so starting tomorrow, i am going to start up turbo jam again. i am going to make it a priority to cook more, eat better, etc. this is super important. i want to sort of have a routine before going home because home makes me look so fat. i don't know what it is, but even when i'm only there for a weekend, i explode! *fat face* (home has many physical downsides, it's super strange. like my hair feels completely different in barrie. is there even like an altitude difference factor here? maybe the water system as my dad has suggested. my skin also looks different. it's so weird.)

well, now i sound like a girl with body issues (fairly normal situation though) but i'm just hitting them head on and now i'm going to try to improve them. so begins a new allie-era hopefully!

2 comments:

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  2. As a fellow "double-gobbler" I feel your pain with the double chin.

    I'm no expert, but I think cooking real food makes a big difference.

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