Sunday, September 19, 2010

you knit me together.

oh dear Lord, please never let me lose a child. please Lord. void all my other prayers for just this one that when I am to become a mother, please let it be healthy. please let all of my future children be healthy. please Lord, please. that's all I want. that's it.

this is so so so soo sad, but i'm totally wrecked right now. completely wrecked. and these people have so much faith. gaah how!???! i could never handle what they went/are going through. Lord, please please never make me have to go through this, please.

cohen's story
now i lay me down to sleep
brayden's story
ella's story
jill's story (1 and 2) and her blog

i don't know why i put myself through reading these heartbreaking stories. and then i freak myself out about how it could be me one day and it could be! but at the same time these are rare cases right?! right?! man the faith of these individuals astounds me. how they can then gather up their lives again after carrying for months and then losing a child, their child, made from them, given to them from God. and how even though he says, I can give and I can take away, how they can be so faithful and somewhat understanding. i do believe that if i were in the situation i would realize and know to lean on God, i know that and i don't doubt for a second that that would be the right and best thing to do but that doesn't mean that i ever want to go through it. i hope the Lord can come up with a better way to test me than by taking away my child... no his child from me.

ahh man, i just needed to get that out. i would never say i'm afraid of death for myself, but i am terrified to have to deal with death for those around me. i'm terrified by my father's age, i'm terrified that he might never ever see me even get married just because he's older. it's the worst thing in the whole wide world.. the worst. and to make it just a little bit harder, i am haunted by this thought daily. it creeps up on me all the time. soo wait, Lord, i don't want to void all my other prayers for just to have healthy kids, please let my dad meet them too. and my mom too, because i don't want to pass one off for the other.

oh wow, i'm a mess. a total mess. for now, to comfort myself, i will just go spoon with my current baby. she's way hairier than i'd ever want my child to be but she is pretty cuddly. i know and trust that the Lord has great plans for me, but i'm so paranoid of these things.

Psalm 139 1-10, 13-18

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

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