Tuesday, November 16, 2010

mid-november life update.

there is so much i could write but i won't. i'll just wait and say more when i can.
it's a tuesday which means it's going to be a late night of essay writing - writing of an essay that's due tomorrow of course and that i have yet to start. i wonder why i do this because it's so ridiculous to leave everything so last minute, but as much as i am frustrated by my own procrastination and negligence even, it's what i always do so i guess i either have to make major changes or just accept it and make it happen the day before (which is always the case. i complete it, just maybe it's not as great as it could be had i started a week or maybe even a day before). but seriously, when i look at my calendar, i don't even have time to start something a few days ahead of time. coz if i do then it's just interrupting the few minutes i have of down-time from something else. it's not that i'm just lazy, i'm super busy and a pro-procrastinator.

let's just say - aside from essay writing and a few other things i'm struggling with - life is great. i really feel like i am totally in the right place. i am where i need to be. i am growing, i am needed, i am involved, i am happy. everything i came home for, all the reasons i left u of t scarbs have come true - friends, church, work, life, it's all happening. i'm not aimlessly floating around, mindlessly filling my time, stressed about cleanliness and loneliness and annoyances. i'm not in a program i know i don't care about - my classes are interesting and don't just focus on everyone's differences. no instead i'm actually learning about the topics that my major involves. as important as diversity is, i'm not getting a degree in that. i'm learning shakespeare, and beowulf, and about the bible, and about history, and it's all so fascinating and i feel like i have grown so much as a student there. i enjoy the people i'm with (well i enjoyed many people at utsc but it was all very surface level stuff, not to say these friends aren't but i feel significantly more comfortable). because i'm home, i feel like i belong and not insecure like i could be saying the wrong thing all the time. i just feel good. it all feels right.

my church, a hugggge thing for me while at utsc, is right where i want to be. i'm a youth leader i'm a gr 1 woods (sunday school) teach - i just love my kids so much, i'm interning at another church with an amazing pastor who i learn sooo much from and who is really helping me to shape my thoughts as a christian and as a follower of Christ. he is giving me incredible opportunities to grow in my faith and in my portfolio. the friends i have made since the summer, although back then i worried they were sort of surface-level friends, have become such a massive part of my life. we encourage each other and have fun and talk about God and learn from each other. i care about them so much.

my family is good. well.. i realized actually how this accident may be God's backwards way of answering prayer. straight-up my dad has the priviledge of living a pretty selfish life. he's retired, he just does housework and golfs golfs golfs like it's nobody's business. that was a real area of challenge between my parents coz there was my mom busting her butt making a living at a stressful job, while dad, not really reaped the rewards coz he contributes and has already spent his life working, but was able to live comfortably because of mom's hard work. i could see that a major division could happen coz of this so i was really praying that dad would be less selfish and would kind of help out more with mom to relieve the stress - i hate how stressful her job is and the toll it takes on her and then all of us. well dad did get a nice side job this summer, at a golf course, which was good for all of us, give him purpose and some sock money. everyone was a lot happier. then mom's accident happened, and even though her self-esteem has plummeted and it breaks my heart, my dad has totally stepped up. even though mom's accident sucks, and she's scared and we're all scared to understand what's going on, the Lord is doing something. bringing them closer together, bringing us a family closer together. now if only mom would stop beating herself up about everything , then she could be happier too. (now if you read this, as much as i appreciate your concerns so so much, please don't go and tell my mom, oh ya read about you on allie's blog. she hates that i write this stuff but i care, you seem to care, and i want to tastefully share without her being mad at me. thank you soo much for your thoughts but just don't tell momma). the point is, that i think i'm starting to understand how the Lord is answering prayers, not that i am meant to understand, i'm not trying to, but in the sneaky way He does, something is going on here and i trust that it will be great. thank you Lord. but if you're praying for my mom, please continue to do so coz she's pretty down, not being able to work as hard as she's used to, not being able to drive, being dependent on others, has made her pretty bummed out.

school is good, as i mentioned. just a slight "annoyance". in my bio for humanities class, we had to do a creative project on a disease-causing pathogen, and we did coronavirae and sars. well we made a blog and after much deliberation, came to the conclusion, that we must be able to use a lot of what is already written about the disease because we wouldn't know the knowledge unless we learned it from somewhere else so we used other people's writing but diligently cited it on our blog, but we have been told that we plagarised and now have a mark of zero. i'm insanely frustrated because (1) i did cite everything - we don't claim any of the writing as our own knowledge - and (2) our meeting keeps getting pushed back more and more with no resolution. it's possible that maybe because i included a link to the pages that we got our information from and did not necessarily "in-text cite" it in specific apa format on the blog, but still. it's just really frustrating because i can't afford a zero in that class. i don't get bio at all!

this blog post has become a rant. well, yes, for undisclosed reasons, i came on here after an annoying conversation to rant, sort of, except i can't rant about said conversation so here's everything else.

work is great. i had an excellent conversation with this man, he's my favourite customer, his name is michael and he is my 56 year old cursh (don't judge me). he is an incredible man who i always learn so much from. he has travelled the world, experienced a lot of things, gotten an education, been a successful business man and enterpreneur, a father, husband; he's building a cottage himself in orillia, he is not a believer in God and he has jumped out of an airplane 1300 times. we were just discussing missions trips and stuff because i told him about mine and we were talking about doing good, what makes us do good, what is good, good vs. evil, being called to missions, why people go to dangerous countries to mission, etc. because he's not a believer we have pretty different views. he is super excited about my trip, but very weary about a long-term trip to haiti another girl from work and her husband are doing. he has a very hard time understanding why they would want to go to somewhere so dangerous like haiti when they are young and could be establishing themselves. i support them just because i know they have been looking for ideal opportunities for a while now, but i do agree with michael too. but i also don't feel called into long-term missions. i would much rather work on something locally and really make a difference in whatever way is needed because there is so much that can be done in our own communities. i want to see the world, i want to contribute what i can to where it's needed, i want to see God's heart for the world by being in the world, but i don't think, aside from those things, that i need to live off donations and live an unstable life somewhere else. sounds exciting but i'm too type-a for that and that's why i want a degree and a secure job and from there i want to be used for God's purpose. obviously, though, if God has other plans then that's what's going to happen, but i don't think missions is what it is. so anyways, back to the conversation with michael, just as my break was up, he asked me what i thought about him, people like him, non-believers, what do i think happens to them when they die. i really wish we could have spent more time talking about this but i only got to say that the only way to heaven is through Christ, but that i do believe God sees good in people. thinking now, i don't want to say that, i want michael to know that eternal life is through Christ and Christ alone. i do think that God is merciful to those who have never heard of Christ, but i know that if you have and you reject it then you reject God. definitely going to have to bring that conversation up again. he's such an intelligent man and he has such a wonderful heart, i want to really encourage him to read the bible (he wants to for history's sake) and i want to really be a witness to him. i care about him a lot and he is definitely impacting my life, i hope this 20 year old can impact this 50+ year old.

speaking of missions. i'm being thrown for a loop. i don't have official word yet but it doesn't sound like the church will support me because they have apparently not heard of the organization, which is not totally surprising to me, but they make it sound waaay sketchier than my understanding. i'm trying not to take it personally, but it totally sucks. i have researched and researched and there is nothing else out there like this trip - this length, this many destinations, this focus. it's everything i was looking for in a trip and i really though God was really encouraging me in this direction but now i'm sort of confused. i think i will continue to pursue it, just trusting that if the Lord doesn't want me to go He won't provide the means for me to go. i guess in time we'll have to see what happens. (you can read about this missions trip here.)

aside from some of these above negatives, life is sweet. i can't stress that enough. i'm very happy. maybe in a few weeks i will have some more news to share with you, some stuff i'm working on, things i'm up to. next week i will be 20 years old - freaky, i know - but i'm excited about it, and i'm excited for a few other things in the works. photography has been going well, head over to my photo blog for some updated photos. looking forward to shooting more in the next few months.

as a final note, i give you hellogoodbye's here in your arms. an oldie, but a goodie. and i'm mad feeling this song lately. maybe at some point i'll let you in on that subject :)

have a great day!

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