Saturday, June 25, 2011
i have purposely not written anything personal in several weeks. and i don't intend of getting real deep but as some of you know, a lot has been going on. the major thing being that i ended my relationship. i'm sure many could empathize: i just knew that we weren't moving forward so why prolong the end, basically. it's been super hard, and also super easy. super hard coz of the mixture of mismatched emotions - embarrassment, frustration, anger, sadness, relief, happiness, comfort, longing, shame, worry, etc - and having to learn some stuff from this i didn't think i had to learn. it's also been super easy because he's been away. not seeing someone makes it simpler to "remove" someone from your life in the capacity they were. this leads then to my current state - nervousness and anxiousness. and that awkward in-between of "dang i love having him in my life for these reasons" and "i can't have him in my life in the same way for these reasons". i feel like a new person some days... some minutes. i'm repeatedly astounded by how much i've learned and how much i feel i've changed in just two and a half weeks. i wrote a few posts ago that i just feel a wave of peace and blanketed in blessings, and i really need to take the nervousness and anxiety i'm feeling and give it to God coz i can't handle it on my own, and i don't know who to listen to of my friends and those who offer advice. i don't know what my next move is or even what it can be. how my life physically changes after months together will be revealed with his homecoming. i've lived in this nice, comfortable, friendly bubble for two and a half weeks, but now it's about to be popped by the post-breakup discomfort. i've led a (purposely) busy life the past few weeks and i still need to picture-update on that, but i think this is going to happen first. i need to go decorate cupcakes now before it's too late but there's my life, updated.