Saturday, June 11, 2011

thankfulness.

there are times when i have just felt literally washed or consumed by the awareness of all the love, support and appreciation of those around me. these past few weeks have been like that. maybe you know what i mean. it's when people who don't need to say anything at all, tell you how important you are, or how you impact their life, or how thankful they are for you, or encourage you in areas you've been secretly struggling with. even during this unhappy, frustrating, confusing, upsetting time, i find myself so thankful. i wish i could write all the ways that God has intentionally and obviously shown up in my life, as i can now see, for the past year but since i can't, i'm just going to be in awe and share with you just how incredible it is to see and experience Him moving so evidently in my life, and in turn, the lives of others. even in the most random things, like a secular song or a sublime moment. some of this might sound like freaky-deeky, christian-eezy stuff, but wow. that's all i can say. i could explain it, but it would only minimize it's "amazingness".

i've mentioned before the feeling of realizing prayers have been answered, and at this time, just looking back on the past while, i am seeing how so many things are all connected, how God answered my prayers without me noticing (that is usually the case), how He worked my frustrations and cries for resolve together somehow. even though there are a lot of things i don't understand and a lot of reasons i can't give to others who don't understand either, i am learning to appreciate the inability to comprehend God's works, i am coming to the resolution that His answers are not for me to know. and that i can not yet see how this situation is going to have life impact on me or on the other individuals involved. i don't know what the next step is for us. i don't know what the past means. i don't know what the future holds. but what i DO know is that this outcome and decision is right, and i can take comfort in the fact that i'm not going to understand the "why"s. that God came first. that, even though i don't "like" the decision, God is my fortress and my refuge. that He has my/our best interests in mind. that, like in everything, i will grow from this somehow. this is part of the plan for my life, and it doesn't necessarily stop here; this might only be one chapter, or one page, or it could be the whole book, i don't know. but God does.

a kind friend shared this passage with me and it's just what i needed.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
- Romans 15:13

so even though this isn't over, there is still a lot left to go through socially and emotionally, i'm going to be ok. we'll be ok. the Lord will take care of us, and really, i'm going to believe that and take comfort in knowing the Creator of the universe has it all under control.

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