Wednesday, July 27, 2011

one month, twentieth day reflection.

i'm sitting in my room, staring at my screen. i want to blog something so badly. i want to write candidly, i want to write what it is that i want to say. but i shouldn't. i probably shouldn't...

i'm restricted by knowing that people that care about me, who i care about, could read this and worry about me, and i most definitely don't want that. but here it is anyways friends. i'm down. i've been down for a while. and while this does come with the nature of things i just wish i didn't feel this way anymore. i'm a very mind-over-matter person but what is taking place in my mind - rationality, realism, moving forward - is not what's happening in my heart... my heart which still has an overwhelming amount of questions. and it is these questions that eat me alive before bed every night, that leave me near tears mopping floors, or that send me driving aimlessly down unknown country streets trying to worship God instead of letting these emotions surface again. i just hate being overwhelmed by these thoughts and feelings. i hate that i still feel so conflicted. i hate this crisis of identity that i'm experiencing. and really these past 9 months have been an identity crisis. never in my life would i have thought i would have ended up in this situation. broken-hearted, yes, maybe, but i never suspected that i would be that girl who settled or allowed such nonsense, especially after so many years of looking around and thinking i knew what i wanted. and i did know, but i went for something else anyways. why?!

i am trying to constantly run to God. there are some times when this is easier than others, of course. to help focus on this, i have chosen a song that is like my "go-to" song to not only mark this season but to also be a reminder of God's promises, His faithfulness and compassion, and that whatever He is doing through all of this, that it is great. this song is "you are more" from hillsong. the line that most resonates with me is "i will see this season through; i will fix my eyes on You, only You".

i need this as a constant reminder to stay on track and to not get sad. which is not very successful yet, but i do totally know that God is really using this time to mold me, and He has been for a while now.

keeping my eye on the prize, eye on the prize... [phil 3:14]

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