Tuesday, August 16, 2011

there are mornings i wake up talking to myself, saying all the things i would if you were here. they make me angry and sad and irritated. it's a horrible way to start my day, thinking of you, and the terrible things you're doing.

there are times i think i see you walking into chapters, and my heart stops, and my body convulses, and i wonder if i should rush into the back room or risk having to face you. i imagine you'd try to be funny and cheerful, but i'd be tempted to throw you out. at these times, i have to put my glasses back on and confirm that it's not you and resume breathing.

there are days when i feel like the slightest nuisance or simple word will send me crying buckets. the cheerful "how are you?" is such a loaded question these days i try to avoid it at all costs.

there are sunday's i can't sit in church. i can't sit there because i'm so embarrassed that i let you in, that i encouraged others to let you in, only to see you now walking down such a sinful path. i don't want people to know what you're doing coz i don't want it to affect their faith. at the same time, i don't know how to keep this to myself without completely exploding.

there are breaths i take that i have to fully think out. that i have to hear aloud to remind myself that i'm still here and that this will not destroy me. this will not define me. this is only one season, one chapter in my book. a picosecond in the hour that is my life. but it is also the picosecond i am in. and for now, i anxiously wait for the clock hand to move, and for a new time to start.

there are moments i catch myself laughing out loud thinking about how funny you were in shoppers or in the car or the way you danced to rap music. when i realize what i'm doing, i'm thankful for those moments. even if all your words were void, how much i laughed with you was not and that's the only thing you can't take from me at this point.

there are thoughts of you where you seem so far away, like i made you up, or you never really happened. i cling to these thoughts like they are only my imagination because they don't carry pain, they carry hope. and in these moments i whisper a small "thank you Lord" because one day this is all i will think of you and then i know i'll be ok.

No comments:

Post a Comment

thanks for reading! leave sweet comments here! i appreciate them so so much!