Tuesday, September 27, 2011

fomo: fear of missing out.

the past few weeks i have felt this deep peace, and further, joy, of being released from so much of the nonsense i've been holding onto for months.

but these last couple days i have been dragged back into those thoughts of wondering and back into the curiosity of wanting to know what's going on with that silent person i need closure from. now, i understand that this might all sound pathetic, but this is my blog, and this is what i'm going through! so while i will recognize any response of "oh jeez, just move on" (something i am desperately striving to do everyday) i'm here admitting my weakness and sharing what is on my mind.

the chronic planner in me wants to know when he's just going to pop up again. i want to be prepared and i want to know ahead of time what to expect. i imagine that in his arrogant nature he has this idea that when he does show up it will be this highly-anticipated thing but what he may cease to realize is that he cut everyone out of his life, and all the people that he "misses" don't even really think about him much at all. i do though unfortunately. for a solid week there i didn't think of him once and it was the most freeing thing. and people would tell me how i glowed and they could see the joy in my life. but this week, i wake up and he's the first thing that pops into my mind - "where is he? what is he doing? with whom? why? when is he coming home? what's that going to be like? God, what's that going to be like?!!" - and it throws off my whole day. coz i don't want to think about him. i don't want to think about all the nonsense that i have been seeking healing and peace from for months, peace that i have experienced and know is there if i could ONLY get him out of my mind and stop thinking about all the rotten, useless stuff. stuff that is not even worth thinking about anymore. it's done. it's been done for so long, so go away stuff.

the worst part of all is thinking i'm doing this to myself. that i am the one choosing to obsess over this crap. that makes me feel even more pathetic. i at least don't want to be self-inflicting these unwanted thoughts!

but i want to know so badly. and that's where fomo comes in. my sister introduced me to this abbreviation and it couldn't be more true. fear of missing out. it's not so much the missing out, because i know i gave that up when i made the excellent decision to end things, so it's more like fonkwgo: fear of not knowing what's going on. shortened: fonk. i want the answers. [God, i want the answers!!!]. and i'm being so impatient coz i'm so nervous i'll get hurt, or get messed up, or be all weak and silly again. i have come such a long way to go back there. i need to protect my ego, and i need to protect my heart. and i need to protect my thoughts and, further, what comes out of my mouth. but yet, what i cease to remember in these moments of hysteria is that - ha! - i have no control at all. and this is not a job i am equipped for by my own strength. no, no, silly me. i won't get far at all relying on myself. and then once again i am humbled and turn to God, head down, knowing how ridiculous i must have looked in all my wild wondering.

this is a big game. and while i'm not one for sports, i want to be playing. i am down with this game. even though i don't know the rules. or how to play the game. and i sometimes feel like i'm playing alone, but my God, who is on the field, keeps making me chase him but then scoring on His own net - on purpose. so it's like, i'm winning, but it's taking a lot of physical work (and physical heartache, and physical brain-ache) and i'm getting tired but i don't want out of the game. ever. in my imagination, He thinks this is the funniest thing ever, not out of malice, but because my faithlessness is so ridiculous. i keep chasing, and yelling at Him, and trying to get the ball, without putting together that He's actually on my team. He's totally playing for me, not against me. i haven't been successful on my own yet. He's scoring all my goals.

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