how come it is everytime i sit down to study i end up just wanting to blog?
why is that everytime there are very specific, important ways i must be spending my time, instead i become completely engulfed and consumed by the cyber world?
in my times of i-absolutely-must-be-doing-homework-right-now, i always, without fail, end up discovering new music, new diy ideas (that i will never do, let's be real), new people to follow on twitter, new ways to creep the people i already follow on twitter, new blogs to subscribe to, new books to put in my cart on amazon, new bags to impulsively purchase online, new friends of friends to creep on facebook, new....
do i have no self-control?
why do i find myself justifying my excessive waste of precious study time with excuses like, "the light makes me feel like this" or "this isn't comfortable" or "i have to go to the bathroom a million times" or "i need more cookies and then i can start". it's so ridiculous.
and this blog right now is completely contrary to everything. but, alas, that is the intentional irony of it...
i have no lesson here, but how did i get so unfocused? i have developed such bad homework habits that i pretty much always end up completing assignments 15 minutes before the latest possible time i can leave my house to get to the class the assignment is due for on the day that it's due.
how do i even break these trends in my life?
this all leads me to think back on conversations and lessons from tonight: i cannot do it in my own strength. and maybe that is the point of this post, to recognize this very thing. i just don't have it in me to get this done in good time on my own. i could, maybe, like so many other diligent, good workers. but i look at my schedule and the things i want to fill my time with, like people, serving, learning more about life and God than canadian literature, metaphors, carbon cycles, and phillip sidney. and that is not to make me sound holier-than-thou. but my desires so strongly lead me somewhere else that this thing of great importance and significance in my life - my education - gets the very smallest portion of me.
i wonder, is that sinful?
i think of colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" - surely my lackluster, apathetic attempt at an 8 page essay that may or may not make sense isn't totally pleasing to God. to say the least.
so maybe what i'm realizing right now in the very process of writing this post - a post that will not earn me a degree or any sort of academic acknowledgement - is that my uncaring attitude toward school work is not glorifying God, or pleasing Him, or serving Him. and because, in my own strength and weakness, i remain somewhat unfazed by.. ahh... the fact that my exam is tomorrow. and a much harder one follows on saturday. and between the two, i packed the days with breakfast socials, a photoshoot, a work shift, and some other stuff... i really do need Him. to focus me, to motivate me, and to help me create good work.
so here i am. leaning on the Lord for discipline. i want my school work to glorify God, even if it does talk about.. evolution and nonsense like that.
i want to use the gifts and talents and abilities He's so graciously given me to display His wonderful work, and not in bare-minimum, 11th hour results. i want my efforts to exalt Him, not just barely make the grade!