Wednesday, February 8, 2012

she laughs without fear of the future.

ever feel yourself at a time when you are exploding with ideas, thoughts, hopes, appreciation, dreams, vision, love but are completely unable to articulate any of it?

unable to express all these things that are boiling up, ready to explode?

it's funny how i'm at this place of overwhelming "positivity" but i can't get it out, yet usually i do not struggle to vomit up the anger, sadness, hurt, bitterness.

it's only wednesday and this has already been an incredible week, if only for one day alone.

let's back story: when i was in australia, i met some wonderful people. one particular person shared her amazing weekend experience as a pastor at a youth conference. she took something like 70 kids to queensland for a weekend of bonding and witnessing the Spirit move. she told of how the kids shared words, prayed for each other, prayed for her; how the leader of the conference picked her out and prophesied over her great, exciting things for her ministry. i was so moved by her stories. so excited for what God was working out through her. so interested in seeing how these prophesies would manifest in her life.

but it also left me aching. i so longed for those same experiences. to have my hopes, dreams, secret plans affirmed, encouraged, nurtured, enticed. it left me "holy dissatisfied" and i tried to battle my discontentment with rationalizations and justifications. but the truth is that i desperately want to go deeper with God, and maybe that includes what is typically seen as "pentecostal"or "charismatic" - characteristics the conservative church so often fears and rejects.

so in my frustrations. my being nearly bursting. not even being mentally, emotionally in my own body. i wondered why, in an effort to be "conservative", to be "welcoming" or "accepting", or whatever you want to call it, we put limits on things. why these things that are written about in the Bible become taboo or risque or unnerving or freaky.

and when i looked around i was so broken by our routine, melancholic approach to faith. our sterile way of worshiping. our well-played but slow, familiar, lifeless songs. our light-and-fluffy messages that pat our congregations on the back in their encouraging but empty way. this thing which, in my life, is the most exciting thing ever is just a chunk of busy time on someone's calendar each week.

and, please note, i'm not here talking specifically about my church, or your church, but our church. the comfortable church. the church that hands out fuzzy messages and doesn't really talk about the challenging, yucky, but so important and rewarding, stuff, for fear of people leaving or - heaven forbid! - becoming uncomfortable.

so i went out and i found some place that helped me reach my deep longing for more. i found a place that, although not perfect i'm sure they'd say, and still learning, shares the same desperation of my heart to just worship God and know Him the way He intended us to. or at least more like He intends for us to. openly. excitedly. desperately. in a way that's all-consuming. limitless.

and i could cry for thought of it. to be a very small, not-even-consistent part of something that i believe is being, and will continue to be, blessed by a Sovereign God who can see into the hearts of the leaders and know that their desire is for a church that is just the perfect mix of doctrine and "freaky". and i love it.

i had the privilege of meeting with a few lovely individuals earlier this week. united with God-loving people in sharing, in prayer (beautiful prayers), and in life. i'm so happy to be united with these people in this wild, precious life. to watch them grow, to see them raise families, to hear their errors and warnings, and the great things they have witnessed both the hard and "easy" way. to be held accountable, to hold accountable; to be faithful in prayer even when they may seem impossible, or maybe silly. to ask others to intercede for the longing or fears of our hearts. i can't really describe what the meeting was like, but i can tell you that during the ride home, i felt like a balloon. filled. brimming. overwhelmed. ready to burst. i clutched the steering wheel with my elbows out, rigid, tense, vibrating. my whole body so excited for what had gone on, for what the Lord was doing, for what He was going to do. when i got home i was sore because i had been so stiff from the exhilaration of the evening. and it all - the past, the present, the future - makes me laugh. and i think of proverbs 31:25.

"she is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future".

it's not safe. this journey. this thing that i have committed my life to. it's not light or fluffy. it's demanding. it's scary. it's exciting. it's lonely. it's hard. but it's worth it. there's nothing out there that would lead me to believe this isn't worth it. and even in my dissatisfaction, when there is no buffer or release for it except to give it over to God to smooth it out, i am made even more eager and ready for what He has planned for me.

i truly believe that these things happening in my life right now - the feelings, frustrations, emotions, disciplines, and interactions - are to prepare me for what God has in store. and while that may sound christian-y and cliche, it's more real and obvious than ever. whatever it is God, i'm ready. because You make me ready, let's go.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Allie! Thanks for visiting and following my blog :D

    Maaannnn. A life dedicated to Christ, pursuing nothing but Christ, taking delight in no one else but's THE life. I can totally relate to the whole "you're-just-too-overwhelmed-by-His-goodness-that-you're-just-lost-for-words."

    I love this: it's not safe. this journey. this thing that i have committed my life to. it's not light or fluffy. it's demanding. it's scary. it's exciting. it's lonely. it's hard. but it's worth it. there's nothing out there that would lead me to believe this isn't worth it.

    amen, amen, and amen :)


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