i am standing at this moment. a place i have only excessively imagined. in my nightmares, but in real life too as i watched those nightmares come true. this moment i knew would eventually come. and it wasn’t five months ago, and isn’t a year from now, but now. [here it is.] and as i stand gazing at it, nearly within reach to grasp it, it’s not as scary as i thought it would be.
for months i have healed. and for months i have cried. and screamed. and wallowed. drove aimlessly. and fought. and survived. and rejoiced. and tried. and reasoned. and released. and changed.
for months... for months it’s like i’ve been preparing for this moment.
and whether it’s for a literal, tangible “moment” i don’t know.
whether it will manifest into a physical encounter. or only an acknowledgment of our presences once again in the same place. whether it will be seen with my eyes, or merely heard with my ears.
or maybe the moment will pass by completely. dodged. evaded.
maybe this is all a trick, and maybe you’re just playing with my emotions. and playing with my head. or worse, playing with my heart.
i think back on months of what now seems like preparation. of dramatic mirror-rehearsed conversations that convict your heart and bring you to repentance; or embarrassing confrontations where i cannot contain my emotions. or [my personal favourite] the feminine exchange where she learns everything you’d never tell her. and i get to play the wonderful, sympathetic heroine with the big heart that tells her she deserves better, despite her own villainous part in the story.
i don’t know which it will be. if any. if at all.
maybe this whole moment is an illusion. only a warning from a concerned [and much appreciated] friend.
whatever it is, as it’s here looming over me, i think of how i was really hoping to avoid this altogether. i was really hoping i’d never have to confront it ever again. i was getting used to living with the memories and the demons of the past. not as part of my present. but i was fine with those things only defining a significant and necessary season of life-change for me. but nothing more.
but as it is, my plan is not His plan. i can only think up the possibilities for the reality of this moment. the reactions. the deception. the awkwardness. the mustered compassion. the prayerfully sought strength. as my wild imagination conjures up images and conversations of what may transpire. as i lie in bed passionately, articulately, eloquently going over everything i wish i could say. as i walk the halls jarred and jumping at every person who turns the corner. as i wearily wander into work wondering if you’ll think it’s some great performance to stop by with your arrogant walk which once intrigued and convinced me to let you into my life. or i think of how you might appear at my church, the place i felt most damaged and humiliated. i wonder about the gazing eyes; either out of cowardice or selfishly expecting some drama to unfold.
and while i spew angry visions that have played over and over [and over and over] again like a terrifying scene i can’t look away from in my mind, i find myself oddly at peace.
[but then again, it’s not odd at all.]
as anxious, and nervous as i am when i consider myself in my human state, in a place without my God, when i think of what He has done, what He has already overcome, i know that i’m ready. and i know that these months the Lord has been cleaning me, and healing me. purifying, fortifying, and strengthening me. and ultimately preparing me to face such a moment as this. to not look at you with present pain but with a renewed spirit. not with a shattered heart but with a love that only He could muster up: a heart that is His and [definitely] not my own. with eyes that don’t communicate hatred and hurt, but that can say “come to Me”. and words that welcome and don’t tear down.
while i do wish to avoid it all i’m also ready to take it on. i want to. there is a confident spirit in me that whispers “you can do this, and you can rise above. you can overcome. this isn’t about you - it never really was - it’s about Me”. and i then see God’s kind smile and His challenge to me. that in the face of this major adversary in my life i can stand as some sort of witness. while you wandered off, i called upon God in desperation, weakness, and shame. and He heard me and He saved me, and He brought me out of a horrible pit. He set my feet upon a rock. established my steps. He put a new song in my mouth. [psalm 40]. and i can never be the same.
so regardless of how this moment comes; regardless of what it looks like or where it is. i am equipped. i have been equipped and made ready by God for every good work [2 timothy 3:17], including what will take place here. ready for work and a love that i am not capable of giving in my own strength, but one that can only be provided by the One Who Loves Exceedingly.
and even though the moment hasn’t passed, i am so thankful for what the Lord has already accomplished in it. so thankful that He goes first to see me through. so thankful that He wills and disciplines and makes hearts new. so thankful for the valleys and the vulnerabilities.
and so thankful for a will to love and conquer no matter what the circumstance.