Wednesday, March 21, 2012

restlessness.

for weeks i have found myself in a perpetual state of restlessness.
days filled with moments of not knowing what to do with myself.
pacing back and forth in my room because i don't know how to be alone.
starring at computer screens for hours, taking in wisdom, but still feeling dissatisfied.
sitting uncomfortably in a low-backed, but stylish chair, Bible open, begging God to give me some clarity on life. to settle my spirit. to give me some sort of purpose.

only when i was around people did i feel some sort of contentment. that i had meaning and reason.
on my own, i didn't know what to do with myself.

frustrated by my inability to feel gratified or productive, i'd sometimes spend days alphabetizing books or throwing out old papers.

but let me tell you, that doesn't take days.

this restlessness turned into anxiety as i let things from the past, reoccurring or in new forms, continue to haunt my life.

i spoke this mirage of feelings aloud and it was affirmed as a season of preparation and anticipation in me. and what a blessing it is to have these things spoken into your life.

but i knew, i wouldn't move forward if i kept planting myself in the past.

the hardest thing was seeking Him in times where it felt that it was not me that needed to be healed, but that only the necessity of time could help to forget.
until an amazing, unwarranted message came and broke the chains that bound me to the past.

it's truly amazing how God works. i can't help but laugh.
the most unlikely of all scenarios - unlikely to me, but not to Him - became reality and spoke to me just what i needed to hear.

and it freed me.

with it has not only come peace from the past, but a ceasing of this restlessness. i can sit still now. i can occupy myself in a way that does not drive me to lying in bed staring at the ceiling, waiting for the time of whatever event is taking place that day.

even though i expect that big things are 'a brewin', i know now that i am not anchored in what has already happened but am looking forward to what's ahead.

i asked God if we could finally close the book. and He has.
moving on.
new chapter... whole new novel.

i'm gonna sell the last one in a garage sale.
no, i'm going to burn it.
burn baby burn!!!

here's to a million great things.
a summer of sunshine. of money-making. and living life on the flip side.
of roadtrips and bus trips; cooking food and tables for one.
of early morning "cuppas" and balcony views. of evening swims and sidewalk strolls.
of visiting friends and making some new ones. of learning all new subjects and building on the old.
of answering calls and answered prayers.
of city photo walks and free nights at museums. of walks to work and subway riding.
of learning to love books, and conquering the ones i've promised to read.
of watching babies grow and friends graduate. and of new experiences and spiritual growth.

"as i stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."



2 comments:

  1. loved this allie.. especially here, "i wouldn't move forward if i kept planting myself in the past." so good. so true. i know we all have things in the past that have tripped us up and sucked our joy.. even our very life. so grateful for the FREEDOM He brings, and how sometimes, when we STOP looking and striving He steps in and brings it. like through a sweet little unexpected way we didn't realize until all of a sudden, we only know, yeah.. the chains are GONE!

    love you and the inspiration you bring to my life!! keep on, girl. there ARE great things AHEAD!

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  2. this is was so beautiful. thanks for sharing. i understand what you're going through.
    i love the relationship you have with the Lord. it's such a genuine and honest one :)

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