Monday, March 12, 2012

unwanted, unlovable, unworthy.

yesterday was the first great weather day of the year. it was something like 16 degrees (celsius) and people did not hesitate to leave their homes in shorts and tshirts - i even had some of my sunday school kids in flip-flops despite the fact that there is still snow on the ground!

it seemed everyone in the city was abustle in the warmth and sunshine.

in my restlessness, not wanting to sit at home on such a glorious day with only an hour to spare, i ambushed my best friend's family for brunch outside of town. because i was essentially "ambushing" i did what any self-respecting canadian would do and made my way to tim hortons for a box of delicious deep-friend, sugar-covered timbits (or "donut holes" for the unfamiliar readers).

 
pic via

this past week i have been dealing a lot with a new, "official" realization of known deception... and i'm at a place i haven't quite been before where it's not just self-inflicted emotions or thoughts leading myself to pain but a truly intentional betrayal. being used. being cheated.

and i know, i know, i said this would be a place of positivity, but i take that back. this is my space, and sometimes that's just what i want to write about! i don't mean that defiantly but part of me needs to be able to write about what i want to write about, without feeling guilty.

as i drove to tim hortons, thinking about this "situation" in life, and playing the songs i drove through the back roads aimlessly to in the summer. beautiful songs from the aftermath album. bringing me back to a place where i once found so much healing, and here i am again, broken by much the same things but in a whole different way. i don't care much to play the victim but i don't know how to shake it. there's a whole new level of what needs to be sorted through and healed [and i say all this in full acknowledgement and expectancy of what God is going to do in me and through me].

so there i stood at the counter, waiting for the girl to pack my box of timbits, looking at the faces of all the people in the cafe and working behind the bar, and i wondered:

how many of these girls have been told they are unwanted, unlovable, unworthy?
how many of these girls have been used and tossed aside?
how many of these boys have spoken these things to these girls, as they sat before or lay beside them asking to be wanted, loved, worthy?
how many boys saw that girl and thought, 'i can use her for a means, and that is all she is to me'?
and how many girls believed that about themselves; that they are only good for a means and not for the love and adoration they are made for?


my heart was so broken in that moment. i carry the burden of wanting so badly for God to give me a way to tell these girls just how beautiful and wonderful they are. and how much they deserve because of who they are as children of an Almighty God. not because of anything they have done or haven't done, but because of what He has done for us. and by us, i mean me too. my heart was broken not just for the others, but for myself. selfishly. because i am that girl and i hate it.

i hate that because i didn't believe it myself, to the extent i'm now beginning to see, as i sat before or lay beside the boy who saw me more as a means than as a beautiful daughter of a King. i knew about this big, big God but i didn't know Him.

i didn't realize that His great love so far surpassed any compromise i would have to make; that i would never have to give in to another's pressure in order to receive a man who loved Him [and me] with his whole heart. i never really thought much about how sin worked; how it festered in the dark and how even those who witnessed great prophecies of God were not immune to the temptation of lust and deceit. i never thought much about how knowledge is not the same as wisdom, nor does knowledge automatically lead to obedience.

girls, because i didn't tell it to the people in tim hortons, i urge you in this small corner of the universe, on this one medium where i share my heart and try to communicate God's lessons in my life, that you would know that God loves you like crazy. and that you would know you never have to compromise yourself or your body for another. i pray that you would seek His wisdom so that this knowledge would be real in your life. that you would believe it not because it's told to you by others - pastors, parents, mentors, bloggers - but because God whispers it into your ears and into your heart: I love you, I love you, I love you...

2 comments:

  1. WOW, this was beautiful. We end up being victims of lies and deception more than we realize. Without knowing our own value we end up believing those lies which causes us to live messed up lives of insecurity and fear.

    thank you for being so real on your blog!

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  2. Oh sweet friend, how I can relate with you so much on this. I too will think I've gotten healing from something only to realize the wound has been reopened. And healing has to be fought for again... and in new ways. And just knowing the Father's love as His daughter... can be really hard to grasp at times. Especially for myself. I say it to other girls and young women, and believe it's true for them, but it's hard to extend that to myself... if that makes sense. That whole thing about not liking to play the victim... so true for me too. I don't like it, but sometimes it just lingers there. Will be praying for you! Grace and Peace =)

    P.S. Thanks for being honest and real, even if it wasn't "positive." We all have seasons like that, and it's just better if we're genuine regardless if it's positive or negative =)

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