Wednesday, May 23, 2012

that time i forsook my own advice.


last week i met a boy.

he was handsome, and smart, and kind.

we didn't really have chemistry, but he was handsome, and smart, and kind... we hung out for most of the evening at a work function. we chatted, he introduced me to people, and he got my number. i mean, we work in the same place and despite it's size who's to say we wouldn't, ya know, need to contact each other for something...

that night i went home early, but i was thinking to myself, "now would be the perfect time for him to text me. he could say,

1. nice chatting with you tonight!
2. hope you got home safe!
3. *insert something else cutesy-wootsy here!*


but as i lay there in bed almost pining for a nice guy [who i was not actually interested in] to text me, i couldn't help but laugh at myself. i realized i was doing exactly what i had warned against in a previous blog post.
these spaces that we then create in our minds can separate us not only from reality, but from God's purpose. because sin is essentially defined as that which is in opposition to, contradicts, or separates us from God, our untamed and sometimes extravagant musings outside of God's plan distance us from truly embracing or accepting that which He has for us.

when we dream up our own ideas of how we want things to be, even when they are seemingly innocent, we end up in this paradigm of trying to fit what God's doing into our ideals. i'm not fully surrendered to Him because i'm then disappointed with what He brought me based on what i thought.

despite my conviction and awareness of this, i'm reminded of how difficult it is because i so long for things to go my way.

it's constantly a battle between what i want and what i know i should want; my desires versus His plans. the challenge is bringing the alignment of the two so close together [shifting my desires to align with His] that they become one thing.

undoubtedly this conflict will exist for life. there's no human way around it. it is when i'm reminded of my failure to surrender my dreams or ideals that i realize just how desperately important that surrender is. without it i'm disappointed. without it "it's" never enough. without it i'm not fully dependent or accepting of His plans. ultimately without it i'm not fully dependent on or accepting of Him.

it's one thing to know that His plans for me are great. it's another thing to believe. but even more difficult is it to live out the expectation that His plans are better and He is greater than anything i can dream up or imagine myself.

the next morning he texted me. despite the fact that i had been looking forward to hearing from him, having built it up in my mind, when i saw that text appear i had to pray that i would not become so enamoured with the idea of him that i would become distracted from my commitment of "yes God, you can have my whole life. i want you to write my love story [blah blah blah]". the truth is that that is my greatest desire and i am willing to wait on Him to find "him". i will not buy into an idea i create just because one boy is nice to me or for the sake of feeling good and fulfilling what i want.

it is, in essence, a funny situation. but one that comes all too easily. my weakness in my own convictions reminds me that i need something so much greater than myself to even stand on my own two feet.

pic via pinterest

4 comments:

  1. Oh Allie, how often do we fall into these valleys only to have His overwhelming grace pick us up again. What you wrote today was something that He has been teaching me over the past few months - where my heart got ahead of God's plan and desire for me. And that is sin.

    Surrender is never easy, but we are and choose not to be defined by our sinful nature. We have a new master and can choose freedom. Keep persevering! You are an inspiration :)

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  2. AMAZING.
    i've been thinking about this, and it's SO Crazy how we can say that we trust the Lord and we will fully surrender, yet it hasn't become our reality.
    I feel these days God is saying, "Do you REALLY live by faith or do you just say you have faith" AHHH
    thank you for sharing this!

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  3. "my weakness in my own convictions reminds me that i need something so much greater than myself to even stand on my own two feet. "

    amen! Isn't it funny how God will test us with our own words?

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  4. Really loved this post, Allie. I'm in a similar season, and I find myself needing to remind myself often that He has a plan that's for my good and His glory, and it's truly greater and better than anything I could ever imagine.

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