Monday, September 10, 2012

let it go.

these days i don't have a lot of words. or i do, but not for here. every time i sit down to write something it never sounds as eloquent or interesting or funny as i want it to. so i just stop. delete. hope to be able to come back next time with something more adequate.

i wrote a post a couple weeks ago -maybe even a month ago- about, ultimately, feeling lonely. well, i guess what i'm seeing now is it's not so much "lonely" as it is "lost". who am i. and if i'm really being honest, this girl who always did sort of think she had it all together, and felt pretty secure, is now seeing, she's actually really insecure. and that freaks me out. and i'm in a season of figuring out my worldly identity - who i am to others, how i am, and does it even matter?

the thing is, i know who i am in Christ. and it's the best thing ever [can i get an amen!?] but i still have to be in the world, and that's where my confusion and insecurity comes in. in the world but not of the world.

i want to be the things people say about me, i want others to see the "real" me: to know my passions, to see my dreams, desires, to understand my heartbreak for the world. i want to be known. i want to talk about things other than politics and go deeper. i want to stop voting and just start doing. i don't want people to be insulted when i fight for the sacredness of monogamous marriage, or desire to protect the bodies of people who give it away freely, and painfully. i want to share my heartbeat for the ten 7 year olds that i spent yesterday morning laughing with. but no one asks, and no one really seems to care.

i guess these lessons are why i'm where i am. coz, Lord, i'm humbled. so humbled. i've never felt so small.

and on top of these realizations, i have a big decision to make. and i know what i want to do, but is it what the Lord wants me to do?! [i hope so ha!]

AND THEN, to add to it all, am i being faithless by wanting to control my schedule; by working more than maybe i should to make money, because i asked God for money for the future and i haven't been the wisest saver, so i keep working. but then am i trying to manipulate how He will provide? because i believe He will. no doubt in my mind. i guess i don't much like not having an active role in it. but that's something i have yet to really figure out or understand either.

anyways... that's me for you.

i thought i'd share this song - it's from jesus culture's emerging voices album. and i'm really liking it. good stuff. plus, how appropriate is that song name: let it go.

let go, and let God...


[even writing that song title in the title bar felt releasing... it's funny how it's so so so hard to let something(s) go, but in the past, we know how amazing it's felt.]


8 comments:

  1. Good luck girl! I'll pray for you and know eactly what you mean... God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks so much for being honest and sharing your heart. you are a wonderful woman! also thanks for sharing the song. I needed it. xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. hey sweet girl, I know exactly what you mean. It feels like we're shooting arrows without aiming, hoping they find the target—somehow. But being in the meantime is necessary. Don't lose heart. You don't need to know for He is in control.

    ReplyDelete
  4. this is all part of the painful process of growing up
    and i commend you and honor you for sharing this with us.
    it's ok if you don't know and its ok if you're figuring it out
    we'll always be doing it.
    but being in this process while entrusting it to the Lord makes it a lot better

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm in a similar season. Such uncertainty with daily life 'stuff', I almost ache. This world needs to just slow down for me a minute! I'm hanging onto John 16:33. Will spend sometime in prayer for you today x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Praying for you Allie =) I know it's not easy, but God's got His hand on you and your life in every season.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey girl! I just found your blog. I'm your newest follower! I love finding sisters in Christ who also blog! It's like finding a diamond in the rough. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great post Allie. You have a beautiful way with words - keep it up! And don't be afraid to show weakness, its the only way Christ's power is shown through us! Thanks for sharing and this has definitely encouraged me today! :)

    Gillian

    ReplyDelete

thanks for reading! leave sweet comments here! i appreciate them so so much!