i wrote a post a couple weeks ago -maybe even a month ago- about, ultimately, feeling lonely. well, i guess what i'm seeing now is it's not so much "lonely" as it is "lost". who am i. and if i'm really being honest, this girl who always did sort of think she had it all together, and felt pretty secure, is now seeing, she's actually really insecure. and that freaks me out. and i'm in a season of figuring out my worldly identity - who i am to others, how i am, and does it even matter?
the thing is, i know who i am in Christ. and it's the best thing ever [can i get an amen!?] but i still have to be in the world, and that's where my confusion and insecurity comes in. in the world but not of the world.
i want to be the things people say about me, i want others to see the "real" me: to know my passions, to see my dreams, desires, to understand my heartbreak for the world. i want to be known. i want to talk about things other than politics and go deeper. i want to stop voting and just start doing. i don't want people to be insulted when i fight for the sacredness of monogamous marriage, or desire to protect the bodies of people who give it away freely, and painfully. i want to share my heartbeat for the ten 7 year olds that i spent yesterday morning laughing with. but no one asks, and no one really seems to care.
i guess these lessons are why i'm where i am. coz, Lord, i'm humbled. so humbled. i've never felt so small.
and on top of these realizations, i have a big decision to make. and i know what i want to do, but is it what the Lord wants me to do?! [i hope so ha!]
AND THEN, to add to it all, am i being faithless by wanting to control my schedule; by working more than maybe i should to make money, because i asked God for money for the future and i haven't been the wisest saver, so i keep working. but then am i trying to manipulate how He will provide? because i believe He will. no doubt in my mind. i guess i don't much like not having an active role in it. but that's something i have yet to really figure out or understand either.
anyways... that's me for you.
i thought i'd share this song - it's from jesus culture's emerging voices album. and i'm really liking it. good stuff. plus, how appropriate is that song name: let it go.
let go, and let God...
[even writing that song title in the title bar felt releasing... it's funny how it's so so so hard to let something(s) go, but in the past, we know how amazing it's felt.]